There are some people you just don't ever expect to run into. XBLA, he's one of those people. The sneaky bastard will pop up at the most inopportune moments, and without thinking, you'll be forced into making snap judgments about him based on the way he acts. I've done this before, and I realize now that I might have been too harsh on an addict. We've all seen down times, and this poor bastard was just suffering from a dip in the sine curve that is life. So, when I saw him the next time, I was, well, entirely unready for the following. This is the transcribed conversation that XBLA and I had when he suddenly appeared at my workplace, the Barnes and Noble Cafe.

ME: Hi! How can I help yo... Oh, it's you.
XBLA: Hello sir! I remember you, I think, Burger King right?
ME: Um, yeah ... You know, if you cut back on the partying, you might remember things better.
XBLA: Hardly. I haven't partied in months. I've been living the high life without living the high life, you see? I'm on top bitch!
ME: Can't remove the trailer from the park apparently.
XBLA: Whatever that means. Anyways, I see you whoring yourself out to those achievement points. 145 for Double Dragon? You know that was a shit game, right?
ME: .... Yeah, I know. ... I couldn't help it.
XBLA: You're hooked! Then I STILL got you on Lumines. You're buying that new content, aren't you?
ME: Unfortunately.
XBLA: You sorry fucks and your skins. It's like, more of a fucking ripoff than Guitar Hero 2 songs.
ME: Dude! You obviously know what's still wrong, why don't you fix it?
XBLA: Why? Why should I care? You're still buying shit. You just bought Prince of Persia, and you're probably gonna buy Pac-Man, and Band of Bugs too.

I realized at this moment that I was at work, and I could end this here to go and ... well, work; but here he is, this smug bastard, and that last sentence made me taste a little throw-up. He's right. He's 100% fucking right. Do you know what it's like to sit and speak with the guy who's raping you with the force of a silverback gorilla? The restraint it takes just to not leap the counter and lose my source of employment is more than I can describe. Then again, half the money's going to his stupid fucking themes and picture packs anyways.

ME: Man, I've got to get back to work.
XBLA: Can't handle being near the man, huh?
ME: ... Yeah, something like that.
XBLA: Hey, did you see the critical reception for Pac-Man, they fucking ate that shit up. I knew they would; give 'em shit and they'll complain all day, give 'em shit with sparkles and they'll make you King.
ME: Let's not forget about the King. I saw Burgercon on there, McDonald's giving out Austin Powers for free and all, he's bound to get a little jealous.
XBLA: Oh My God. He called me the second it went live. Crying like a little bitch. What a fucking douche; he can't even take a little healthy competition.
ME: I can see where this is going.
XBLA: Damn right you can! I've gone and fucked the competition right in the ass. Sony can't get a single thing right, except for Calling all Cars, and I hear that's not even that amazing. Do I even need to bring up Virtual Console? They want $5 for NES games. It's like getting fucked by Reggie himself, and I hear he's huge...
ME: Oh God ... the imagery ... please, stop.
XBLA: HaHaHa. So, are you ready for what's coming up?

The conversation's a little more casual at this point. He's raping me; he knows it; I know it, and it sucks. The prices are too high, the content is sometimes shady, and, well, he's still an asshole. He's a giant asshole actually, but I'm getting used to it. Kind of like that one friend who never picks up the bill, XBLA's been fucking me for a while, and in the least homo-erotic way I can possibly say it, I'm pretty used to it. I can't say I enjoy the feeling, but I'm like cellmates with this guy, so it's an unfortunate necessity. The part that I know is coming next is the most interesting though, the part where he makes clear that our dark relationship is undoubtedly going to continue, whether I'd like it or not. The most important bit, though, is that I have one hell of a line of customers that he doesn't seem to care about.

ME: Dude, I've really got to get these guys soon. That old lady is looking mighty pissed.
XBLA: Fuck her, she doesn't Game, man. She's nothing. She'll fucking croak soon anyways. Just wait 5 minutes and she won't even be standing to worry about getting her drink.
ME: Good God, dude, that's one of the worst things I've ever heard.
XBLA: Well, get ready for one of the best. You're not, are you? Not only have I been flooding you with stellar shit up to this point, but it's only going to get better and you know that.
ME: Like?
XBLA: Like fucking Street Fighter, in HD my cheeky friend! Undertow, whatever the hell it's about ... I don't even know myself! Bomberman Live is this summer and I fucking know you're buying that; knowing you, you'd buy two just to keep them making more. Carcassone is going to be sooner than you think, and, well, the list is giant my friend. I'm the fucking Godfather of content these days, actually, fuck that, I'm like Odin the Allfather. I've got movies out the ass, and anime too. You can't resist that shit. Fuck, Puzzle Quest, I know how bad you want to play that, and you even passed on it because you wanted it with achievements right? You're. My. Bitch.
ME: Alright, point made. Can I get the old lady now? She's looking woozy.
XBLA: I guess. I'll see you every Wednesday. These days, I might see you twice each Wendesday; I'm that good.
ME: Fuck.
ME: She just hit the floor. I better call someone.

XBLA is laughing as he walks away, and I'm calling 911 for Grandma Death that just dropped to the floor. Whether she passed out from exhaustion or she dropped to the floor asking Jesus forgiveness from hearing the language XBLA casually spits forth, I'm not sure. Probably the Jesus thing; It's always the Jesus thing these days. The throw-up taste is gone, but I can't help feeling bitter. I like controlling my life, but this guy, this fuck XBLA, he's got me hooked and I know it. This guy who just a few months ago was hooked himself and treading the downward spiral. Bomberman Live though, it sounds so good ...

Check out my first conversation with XBLA here.


  1. Nix Sidhe said...
    Dear Sweet Lord, I do love me some Bomberman....
    Nathan said...
    That XBLA is a real bastard. He's all high and mighty these days just because he's walking around with his nine inches of....content. What a dick. Too bad I'm ready and willing for the summer rape. I'm so geeked for Carcassone.

    I'm glad he doesn't show up for these conversations with me, but I hope he continues to rub it in your face.

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