A Scientific Discovery!!

In a small a trek outside the sanctuary of my home, I found myself traveling in the wild outdoors. My goal was simple: Get the mail. However, the wild outdoors are an intimidating beast, and rarely do they allow a goal to be so easily achieved.

Along my journey, there were several things to avoid. The swirling hordes of gnats, moths, and other airborne pests, the natural landmines created by my furry companions, and also, well, cars. My mailbox is a kind of dangerous place. Regardless, the journey went without difficulty, that is until I was one turn of a handle from retreating back into my warm, protective womb. The wild outdoors knew to strike when I thought I had succeeded, and they knew to bring their champion. Holyshitimus Giantfuckingbuggae.

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No less than a foot from the entry to my home, this hideous beast relaxed comfortably on the wall. Comfortably because, he (or she) knew that I could not pass. I could have made a sprint for the door, but the monster knew my intentions, and would have made quick work of me. Then, suprisingly, the scientist within me (there was one?) arose from the depths to let me know that I should chronicle this gross joke of Mother Nature. With nothing more than my cellphone I approached, ready to document my findings.

After a small series of pictures, I noticed the beast turned his formidable glare upon me, and it was then that I knew I was doomed. I pulled the cellphone away, but it was too late. The largest praying mantis science had ever recorded (and by science, I mean me) lunged itself at me in a spiraling death-lance maneuver. Approaching my face at nearly the speed of light I was left with little option but to engage the secret techniques of my ancestors.

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Dropping the cellphone immediately, as the beast was inches from my face (or perhaps feet, I may have been too scared to notice), I engaged the shrill battlecry of the thousands of Mussers that came before me. Most men would shrivel in fear of this bellowing warrior call, while I suppose, a few others could possibly laugh at me.

With no option left to me, as the lunging mantis advanced, I took the only available course of action. I continued my battlecry, and swiftly began the rite of my people. The Hokey-Pokey. I danced in circles, flailing my arms, screaming at the beast, instilling the fear of God within it. The monster surely knew, I meant business. His lunge missed his mark, as I was so sure it would, and it mattered little. I had already began the hopping/falling/screaming that signaled the doom of, well, my manhood.

I had stated this was a scientific discovery, and while the fact that this praying mantis could very well have been the largest ever recorded could be considered a discovery, that is not the particular one of which I speak. No, today science discovered that Cody Musser, is, in fact, a giant pansy.

1 Comment:

  1. John said...
    Haha, this was the most epic and hilarious blog post I have ever read. Props to you, sir.

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