MPAA Announces Newest Rating: SFU

Whether you view the MPAA as a totalitarian behemoth destroying creative and independent film, or as a noble organization dedicated to protecting the sanctity of youth, all should be equally comforted with their newest amendment to the rating system.

The new SFU Rating is sure to be a target for films striving to reach a deeper, more mature audience. I for one, am proud to finally see The Department of Homeland Security doing what it ought to be doing by partnering with the MPAA, keeping questionable content away from the eyes and ears of modern America. The sort of questionable content that seems to be pouring out of other countries these days. In particular, Japan has a culture that is attempting to flood America with their wavering morality and rampant sexuality. If there is a country that needs to be stopped, Japan is obviously the prime candidate.

A perfect example of the Japanese and their meager attempts to sway our staunch American Christianity, family values, and good old fashioned down-home cooking, is present in the first film to be awarded the SFU rating. The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai! (and what sort of name is Sachiko anyways; it's not even in the Bible) has a plot that is unabashedly anti-American:

Prostitute Sachiko Hanai is accidentally shot in the head during a yakuza skirmish in a restaurant, but the wound acts as a sort of trepanation, turning her into a genius capable of complex dissertations on metaphysics, existentialism, and the work of Noam Chomsky, which causes her to be hired as the amorous tutor to a professor's teenage son. But it turns out that the mysterious cylinder coveted by the gangsters contains a severed finger that is a clone of the finger of George W. Bush, which North Korea wants to launch a nuclear attack. But the Bush finger has a mind (and levitation powers) of its own, and wishes to penetrate Sachiko ('I do not need the U.N.'s permission to invade!') through orifices both vaginal and cranial, just as a gangster attempts to retrieve the severed digit to aid in the unification of North and South Korea.

I'm disgusted at the very proposal of such poor moral fiber.

For exactly that reason, I hope everyone does NOT watch the trailer, which is available here. Downloadable Quicktime
I also hope no one visits the movie website Twitch, to learn more about it.
I do however, demand that everyone better familiarize themselves with the new SFU rating, in larger format here.


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